Back to the floor, that I love... - Stevie Nicks

January 2026 - with some inspiration from Fleetwood Mac: Gypsy

The older I get the more I feel myself becoming an existentialist.

For the longest time I had no idea the word even existed. I distinctly remember where and when that word entered my life. I was a young college freshman when I took a world religions class in college. My professor assigned the class to read several papers and write an essay on Existentialism. I remember phrases like, "life is absurd. It's meaningless and has no purpose." And, your "existence precedes your essence." I took this to mean that when you are born you are of no value and may be of no value your entire life. I found the philosophy depressing, terrifying, and easily disproven by my own life. I always had value, purpose, and meaning in my life. It made no sense.

So, why now am I going back to this haunting philosophy? Am I getting older and wiser or am I just falling into absurdity?

To a room with some lace and paper flowers - Stevie Nicks

I was raised a Mormon-Christian and I loved my life. I had great mentors, opportunities, and a healthy bit of God-fearing agony. I believed that happiness was righteous living, and righteous living was a ticket to an abundant life. Trials could be avoided if you were doing all the right things. Life has been good, and certainly staying away from drugs, alcohol, and unwed pregnancy helped me to avoid some horrific pitfalls.

But somehow despite best efforts I was still having trials, and my family and friends were having tremendous trials. Friends and family members struggled with serious health issues, lost jobs, divorced, and some died. It led me to question nearly everything. Why does God not reward or help good people? Maybe He was, but I was not seeing it. At the same time I was running into logical fallacies and historical inaccuracies in my own religion. I started feeling like I was living in R E M's (rock band) song, "Losing My Religion". Maybe I shouldn't question, just believe, help others, and hope.

But that felt ungrounded to me. Questioning and doubt led to curiosity and learning. Shielding certain aspects of my faith, learning, and training from questions and doubt seemed to be stunting my growth and weakening my understanding. I didn't want to go break all the rules and party it up, but what the actual rules were seemed to be shifting and sometimes fading. I yearned for deeper understanding.

I started to think that trials did not come about because of sin. Certainly dumb decisions lead to a fair amount of pain, as they should. But I started to see many trials not as punishment but as growing pains. There was something of necessity about them. Facing them, rather than trying to avoid them, provided me with greater growth, understanding, and wisdom.

Lightning strikes maybe once, maybe twice. - Stevie Nicks

One of the Bible stories that always puzzled me is the OT story of Jacob (soon to be called Israel) wrestling with an Angel of God. (Israel means "he who wrestles with God".) I could not wrap my head around several things. Why would God wrestle a mortal who believed in Him and worshipped Him? Seems like an unfair fight, too. God vs. man - the conflict seems pointless. And why would He touch Jacob's leg and cripple one of His greatest proponents? Was this a punishment for fighting with God? But, that seems counterproductive. The God of the OT felt weird. Don't get me started on Job.

This all seemed absurd to me. Enter existentialism. Ah, I never considered what was going on inside of Jacob. What was transpiring in his heart and mind? Was Jacob's struggle one of finding meaning in the mist of absurdity? An existence without substantial essence? And was God, when He touched Jacob's leg, not crippling him but - sending him challenges, growth opportunities, to grow his character and his soul (...some growing pains are quite painful...) transforming him into Israel. God crippling Jacob is a red herring. Growth requires a limp. Not just for Israel, but for many, if not all.

And you see your gypsy - Stevie Nicks

In a YouTube video on existentialism it starts out with a scene. Imagine yourself standing in a dark theater at 3am, by yourself. You are there to perform. But there is no script, no director, and no audience. Everything that happens is entirely up to you, but there seems to be no purpose in doing anything. The freedom is terrifying.

To the gypsy that remains faces freedom with a little fear - Stevie Nicks

At this point there is only one question to ask. What does it mean to be you? Right now? ...Tomorrow? ...Next year? You will not ever find yourself.... It's entirely a situation where you must define yourself. It's up to you to create your essence, your purpose. You do nothing, you may feel a sense of safety, but you will fall into meaninglessness and absurdity. If you do something, anything you fight against that absurdity. You struggle to find meaning, purpose, and connection. The more you struggle and travel outside your comfort zone, the more you grow. The more you grow - the more you develop essence. The more essence you develop the more you appreciate others and what they bring to you and you to them.

Lightning strikes maybe once, maybe twice. I have no fear, I have only love - Stevie Nicks

I feel as if I've opened a door of my own life and either stepped into or out of absurdity. What's worse is that I am not sure which direction I am going. How is that I feel my religion has failed me and I have failed it. I am both Mormon and non-Mormon. I consider myself as belonging nowhere. Both sides of this existence seem intolerable.

Can I exist in my humanity and faith without losing my objectivity, or my propensity to doubt? I honestly don't know if the institutions I grew up in have room for someone who asks 'why' as often as I do. I’m not sure they’ll permit me the freedom to be both a believer and a questioner.

But I’ve realized that I don't need to live entirely by someone else's rules. I can respectfully thank them for guidance, embrace them for their kindness and humanity, and be present with them. We are all on similar journeys through life.

If God gives us a blank slate, He isn't interested in us tracing over someone else's old lines. He's interested in the story only we can write—limp and all. I’m stepping into the void, picking up the pen, and for the first time, I’m not waiting for a director to tell me the next line. I’m just writing. If what we have to write is good and uplifts, the glory be to God.

And it all comes down to you - Stevie Nicks